I spent from approximately 33 to 43 years old, getting angry at my job and career. My reasons for being angry included going against my core values. I blamed others. I descended into a daylong habit of constant cannabis and nightly alcohol binges. My marriage suffered. One point I’d make: don’t spend a decade doing that.
I’m grateful that I had the wherewithal and the insurance to commit myself to a life changing addiction recovery program. I’m grateful that I am a sober, forever recovering alcoholic and addict, but you don’t need to go there, although it is the way that I found the amazing people and social agenda of the recovery community.
In the beginning of my recovery, I had a number of realizations:
- Seeing myself in someone else who was previously angry and is now happy was the first step to my recovery. I listened to happy people describing their past when they were angry, describing feelings and actions to which I could closely relate. Social connection is the opposite of addiction, whether to chemicals or to work or whatever.
- My anger was masking fear and sadness. Anger is a socially acceptable emotion to express, whereas fear and sadness are often not. I had to dig deep to discover my fear and sadness. For me, it took 3 months of mental hospitalization, 1 month residential and 2 months outpatient. I learned to love myself again. I grieved a number of things, including my change of career, and now I carry my past with me because I love it and I’m grateful that I haven’t actually lost it.
- A spiritual social connection was key for me. It didn’t matter if it was Buddhist, agnostic, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, whatever. The concept of the social group seems to work for addicts of all stripes. Alcoholics express the idea as the Group Of Drunks, G.O.D. The G.O.D. is Christian inspired but not religious. It doesn’t need to be monotheistic. The point is that I discovered a social connection to people that are the same as me, and they had found happiness when they were angry before—no Koolaid necessary, just social connection. For me, this was a distinction between my capital Self, my higher power or enlightenment, and my lowercase self, my ego.
- I needed to know myself, what and who I am, before I could begin to trust or love myself. This began with loving my Self. I meditated, focusing on grounding exercises, focusing on my sensory awareness of the current moment, the feel of the pressure on my feet, my butt and legs on my seat, the sounds of the current moment, and my breath, air going in and out of my body. It formed a mantra: “feet, seat, sound, breath,” that I would think to myself. I loved this connection to my ego free Self before I could face or understand myself, my ego.
- I needed to love myself, my ego, which required forgiving myself, my actions and memories and beliefs. I needed to abandon resentments and stop blaming myself and others for my situation.
- I needed to set social boundaries to draw lines and separate myself from others, physically and emotionally, before I could see myself clearly. I had co-dependencies that were blurring my concept of self. The emotions and feelings of others are not mine. I am also not responsible for the emotions and feelings of other people.
I am now inspired and in the process of changing careers. I’m no longer angry. I’m grateful that I have not lost my marriage, and I still live with my wife and my 3 year old son. I feel a growing strength of self that allows me to be supportive of those around me in ways that I couldn’t imagine doing for myself, let alone anyone else previously.
Other random thoughts that helped me on my path:
- Acceptance: Everything is exactly the way it should be.
- Serenity: Being at peace with myself as my Self.
